Dr. Ducky Mallard Quotes - 4This is a featured page

Ducky at NCISDucky in AutopsyDucky
Quotes by Dr. Donald " Ducky" Mallard, NCIS
EPISODE:QUOTATION:
S4 Ep. 15 - FRIENDS AND LOVERS.DUCKY:
"People who choose to live their lives this way have no body to blame (shaking his finger at dead P.O.) but themselves."
DUCKY:
"However women normally hide poison in food not drinks."
GIBBS:
"That would explain why my last ex wife spent so much time in the kitchen."
S4 Ep. 16 - DEAD MAN WALKING.ROY:
"Table's cold."
DUCKY:
"None of my other patients ever complained."
ROY:
"Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change."
DUCKY:
"Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is you talk back."

DUCKY:
"I've emailed your records to the doctors at AFRI. They'll be running more tests. Try to conserve your energy. You'll need it later. I don't want to see you back on my cold table."
ROY:
"Appreciate your help, Doc."
DUCKY:
"Good Luck."
S4 Ep. 18 - ICEMAN. GIBBS:
"Any tattoos Ducky?"
DUCKY:
"Arh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no."
S4 Ep. 19 - GRACE PERIOD.DUCKY:
"Yes, this man appears to have been literally at the heart of the explosion."
TONY:
"He was sitting on the bomb?"
GIBBS:
"He WAS the bomb Dinozzo."
GIBBS: (about Palmer)
"You should just smack him on the back of the head. It works for DiNozzo and McGee."
DUCKY:
"I did but he rather enjoyed it."
S4 Ep. 23 - TROJAN HORSE. TONY:
"Maybe he died of embarrassment when he couldn't pay the cab fare."
DUCKY:
"Alas, death by embarrassment isn't a certifiable cause, however intriguing the notion."
DUCKY: (about Tony)
"It's about time that boy fell in love."
GIBBS:
"Hey Ducky, you win the pool!"
DUCKY:
"Yes, thank you Jethro!"
GIBBS:
"And I didn't do anything wrong, McGee."
S4 Ep.23 - TROJAN HORSE.GIBBS:
"I thought you were supposed to solve these riddles Duck?"
DUCKY:
"Abby and I like to share."
GIBBS:
"Good work my dear."
ABBY:
"Thank you, Ducky."
DUCKY:
"You're welcome."
GIBBS:
"Whenever you two are done."

DUCKY:
"That wouldn't have been your assistant, would it, Director?
GIBBS:
"I do hate a nagging woman, Duck."
DUCKY:
"She's only doing her job Jethro."
S4 Ep. 24 - ANGEL OF DEATH.McGEE:
"Homeland Security is ordering us to take a polygraph."
DUCKY:
"It's rather odd but it's nothing to worry about unless you are a spy."
ZIVA:
"Why are you looking at me."
DUCKY:
"I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor."
PALMER:
"I don't think they expected you to be funny, Doctor..(pause)..That didn't come out right."
DUCKY:
"No, I should say not."
S4 Ep.24 - ANGEL OF DEATH.DUCKY: (making a toast)
"May the best you've ever seen, be the worst you'll ever see. May a mouse never leave your girnal with a tear drop in his e'e. May you stay hale and hearty until you're old enough to dee. May you always be as happy as we wish you all to be."
(McGee and Abby announce they are going and thank Ducky for his toast.)
DUCKY:
"Thank you."
JIMMY PALMER:
"Terrific!"

MICHELLE LEE:
"Where's the bathroom."
PALMER:
"I know"
DUCKY:
"First.... a toast."
PALMER:
"Dear God make it quick."
MICHELLE LEE:
"Amen."

MICHELLE LEE:
"Really good Doctor." (She too leaves)
ZIVA:
"May a mouse never leave your girdle with a drop in his e'e?"
DUCKY:
"Not girdle..girnal...It's an oat bin. If it was empty a mouse would cry."
ZIVA: (raising her glass)
"To dry eyed mice."
DUCKY:
(laughs)" Here..here!."
S4 Ep. 24 - ANGEL OF DEATH.ZIVA:
"I have a funny feeling doctor."
DUCKY:
"It's teh..tequilla, my dear. You've had 3 Shooters just in the time I've been here."
ZIVA: (looking at her phone)
"Straight to voice-mail like always when he's with her."
DUCKY:
"Tony?"
ZIVA:
"What?"
DUCKY:
"Nothing."
ZIVA:
"Oh, no..no..no..that was definately something."
DUCKY:
"Well, why do you monitor Tony?"
ZIVA:
"I don't monitor Tony."
DUCKY:
"Yes, you do my dear. Like a mother with a toddler."
ZIVA:
"That's a good description."
DUCKY:
"Or a woman with a wayward lover."
S4 Ep. 24 - ANGEL OF DEATH.DUCKY:
"Ziva it's Friday night. Tony is with his girlfriend and you are worried about him. What does that tell you?"
ZIVA:
"He is my partner, and my partner said he would be here, and...and I have this not so good feeling."
SEASON 5 - 2007 -2008 ***********************
S5 Ep. 1 - BURY YOUR DEAD.McGEE:
"Tony could of been following La Grenoullie."
DUCKY:
"I'm sorry to differ, Timothy, but he wasn't...look. Tony contracted pnuemonic plague, as I'm sure everyone can remember."
ZIVA:
"Before my time?"
McGEE:
"He almost died."
DUCKY:
"From severe pnemonia. As a results his lungs would have been extensively scared, unlike the almost pristine lung of a man currently in autopsy. The body on which I am performing an autopsy is not Tonys."
S5 Ep.1 - BURY YOUR DEAD.(Ducky and Palmer are performing the autopsey. A machine beeps.)
PALMER:
"Blood tests are back."
DUCKY:
"What type? A positive."
PALMER:
"A positive."
DUCKY:
"Yes, well, 34 percent of the nations population share the same blood group so let's not go drawing any conclusions. We'll await the dental records before making positive identification. In the meantime, the lungs."
S5 Ep. 1 - BURY YOUR DEAD.DUCKY:
"Pentrive shrapnel damage, middle and lower left lobes. Other wise healthy tissue, nonsmoker, minimal scaring."
PALMER:
"Minimal scaring."
DUCKY:
"Minimal scaring."
S5 Ep. 1 - BURY YOUR DEAD.PALMER:
"I got that Doctor."
DUCKY:
"Yes, but Mr. Palmer, how could HE?"
PALMER:
"How could he what Sir?"
DUCKY:
"Have minimal scaring in both lings?"
PALMER:
"Healthy living."
DUCKY:
"Yosina Perties. Y-pesties."
PALMER:
"The pneumonic plague?"
DUCKY:
"Yes, the plague, Mr. Palmer. This man has never had the plague! He's never had the plague!"
PALMER: (pointing to the body)
"He has NEVER had the plague!"
DUCKY:
"He never had the plague!"
S5 Ep. 3 - EX FILE. DUCKY:
"Only the dead know the true meaning of patience, Timothy...no more places to go, people to see..except me of course."

DUCKY:
"They weren't married very long."
MANN:
Fourteen months. Top of my class in interrogation.
DUCKY:
"Well remind me to ask for a highly qualified lawyer should I ever be interrogated by you."
MANN:
"I don't want to be another one of his mistakes, Ducky. I know he's been married three times. *awkward pause*...*more* than three times?
DUCKY:
"Perhaps I should get that lawyer now."
S5 Ep. 3 - EX FILE.COLONEL MANN:
"Dr. Mallard you got anything?"
DUCKY:
"You do realise I arrived about a minute ago. The dead speak to me Colonel, but give the man time to catch his breath, so to speak."
S5 Ep. 3 - EX FILE.DUCKY:
"You know, a man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes it might even tell us how he died. But contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved."
S5 Ep. 4 - IDENTITY CRISIS.DUCKY:
"I hope your opinion of me doesn't waver after I've given this fellow a piece of my mind."
GIBBS:
"Never!"
DUCKY:
"I warn you..this might get ugly!"
GIBBS:
"I hope she recovers from that tongue lashing."

NAVY LT. CARL GREER:
(Mercury is flowing from his brain)
Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?
DUCKY:
"Certainly not."
GREER:
"What the hell is that?
DUCKY:
"This my dear Lieutenant, is murder."
S5 Ep. 5 - LEAP OF FAITH.DUCKY:
"I'm fast, but I'm not that fast. Something still bothering you?"
GIBBS:
"Yeah. We're investigating a homicide *and* a suicide.
S5 Ep. 6 - CHIMERA.TONY:
"Oh goody, double jeopardy."
MCGEE:
"Oh jeez."
DUCKY:
"Oh dear."
JENNY SHEPPARD:
"Oh crap."
S5 Ep. 6 - CHIMERA.DUCKY:
"You were right, Ziva. There is someone on board."
ZIVA:
"Not him. There's someone alive. I can feel it."

GIBBS:
(To the director)
"We're still running tests. Don't know right now."
DUCKY:
"Yes, we do. My initial diagnosis of asphixia was incorrect I'm afraid. It looks as if Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever to which, by now, we have all been exposed?"
GIBBS:
"Can't leave the ship."
DUCKY:
"That's not a problem Jethro. If my diagnosis is correct, we'll all be dead by morning."




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